(Written 17th Feb)
OK, I’ve worked out one of my limitations with giving up pink… all of my warm clothes are pink and most of my shoes are pink. My coat is pink, my cardigan is pink, my ponchos are pink… and the weather has just got very cold again. I’ve been wearing my black funeral shoes for a week now, and I’m feeling down.
I’m away on half-term with family and friends, and I’ve decided to crochet myself a new poncho that isn’t pink… or at least that was the plan. (and OK, I may be about to spend some money on giving up pink… I know I said that I wouldn’t… but it’s either spend some money, or wear full on pink!)
I went to Otter Nurseries – as they seem to sell everything, and they did have a lot of different wools for sale. However, most of them were really drab colours, and something that I probably wouldn’t wear again after Lent. I opted for a beautiful variegated wool… although I should probably confess that once I started to crochet it, I realise there is some pink in it. I’ve decided that for me, it’s good enough, and still counts as giving up pink – the predominant colours are greeny blues, which is a big change for me. When I wear it, it is lovely, but I still don’t feel at all myself when I look in the mirror.
I had underestimated how hard it would feel to give up pink. One week into Lent and I’m feeling really quite down. When I look in the mirror, I don’t really feel like myself; I feel drab wearing black and dark colours. I’ve stood at my wardrobe, almost stroking the pink clothes, which I’ve now washed and put away… I want to put them back on.
I’m reminded of something I wrote on here a few years ago:
“The face I want to present to the world is this pink, cheerful, capable, in control person: And to be honest…I don’t really want you to see past that…I don’t want you to see that there’s a real person back there…who’s not totally sure of herself, and hasn’t quite got it all together…If I do let you in a little…I’m still likely to try and hide behind loud / sparkly / bright things…you see I don’t really want to even admit my vulnerability to myself…I’ve become a bit of a slave to this perfectionist lark…but the cracks are there…”
I’m realising that it’s not just that I don’t want you to see beyond this pink, cheerful, capable person… it’s that I don’t want to see beyond this pink, cheerful, capable person. I don’t want to admit that vulnerability, I don’t want to let myself be out of control – and this giving up pink is making me feel very vulnerable. Still, 39 days to go… I’ve never looked forward to Easter quite as much as I have this year!