(Written 3rd March)
3 weeks into Lent, and I hadn’t realised quite how difficult I would find it to give up pink. On a practical side I have to do the washing a lot more frequently, as I don’t have very many non-pink (or purple or red clothes). However, it has gone far deeper than that. I suppose I should have expected it – my journey into pink was related to my image of God, and to my developing identity. Giving up pink is challenging my sense of identity – what does it mean to be Rachel without all these bright colours. I’ve been wearing my new poncho rather a lot, with it’s streak of pink… and some have been suggesting that I’m not fully giving up the pink…am I ready to let go of even this bit of colour?
I’m also finding it disorienting in my prayer life too – which perhaps is a good thing. Have I got fixated on seeing just some aspects of God’s character – the life, the love, the energy. Have I closed myself off to other aspects of who God is?
I’m finding it really hard to settle, perhaps I need to reconnect with the stillness of God. Out and about here, in the beautiful New Forest, I can’t help but notice all the fantastic green colours around me, the signs of spring budding all over the place. Perhaps it would be helpful for me to notice other colours around me… has the pink blinkered me to seeing other aspects of God and this amazing world that we are in?
Am I willing to let go of my images of who I am and who God is… am I able to just be, to stay in the present? Have I started using my old images of God as a short-hand, to try and short-cut spending time with God now, but instead just recalling past experiences of God? Am I willing to encounter myself now, to let myself grow and change, to respond to the situation that I am now, to grow into my calling as a priest, and as a person.
I’m feeling exposed and uncomfortable… maybe this is what Lent is all about. 24 days to go until Easter… I’m not sure I’m ready for any more!
(I may also have had another break of my ‘not spending any money to give up pink for Lent’. I’m really fed up of wearing my funeral shoes and I’ve splashed out on a new pair of black DMs from ebay… rather fabulous, black patent, heeled DMs…)